Friday, September 24, 2010

On $$, pain and resources

Today I'm figuring how I can juggle money around between various debtors to pay for fixing my truck, so that it will keep running, which enables me eek out a bit more of a living doing massage when I can find the clients...Moving has helped me to appreciate the vast wealth of resources I had available to me in my hometown. I understand resources as connections and networks that facilitate me trading my skills to meet my basic needs, rather than as the money itself. Connections open up opportunities, and I had many of them back home. The capability to earn a living. It's harder here. I do have some folks trying to pull strings for me to help scramble some extra work, but the 20 hours a week packing boxes in a warehouse certainly isn't going to cut it. I know myself well enough by now to see that if I do that repetitive stress job much more than 20 hours a week, I will damage my wrists and hands, which are valuable to me for so much more vital work than packaging someone else's product, not to mention kill my spirit. I'm not cut out for the 40 hour a week grind doing the same thing all the time, especially when it's not particularly engaging more of my brain and passions. Honestly, I don't think most of us are cut out for it; some of us can just cram down the reactions deep into our bodies and psyches to keep plugging along more easily than others.

This is such an old, tired story. I don't think I am anywhere near as decimated by economical disenfranchisement as so many others, even in this city, but I feel the strain of this capitalist beast, nonetheless. It manifests in my body, my shoulder locking up tight toward my head after working a twelve hour stretch yesterday. Couldn't sleep. Puts a gloomy cloud over my head to be in pain all the time.

I am so thankful this has eased some from being the daily phenomenon it was when I was still injecting testosterone into my body. More slight muscle structure equals less tension and daily pain for me, this is good. This decision about what I'm putting into my body has also opened up the floodgates for my emotional life to move again. Tears come easily, when they were blocked up behind a thick and impenetrable dam for years. I cannot hide from the tender quiet words of my heart. Thankfully, building my heart a sturdy home inside this chest is much more a challenge of internal resources.

1 comment:

  1. If you have your california or SF massage license, think about applying to the massage studio at EROS. : )

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